Trying again. Trying again after failure is difficult, no matter the circumstances. Deciding to have another after the death of a child is even harder. I am back from my hiatus because I overcame the fear that is inherent in walking into something that you once failed at.
I will be honest with you, it was not easy. Every stage of the pregnancy brought some cause for anxiety. First, it’s realizing you are even pregnant. I thought about the daughter I had lost and thoughts of whether or not she would survive flooded me. Had I been punished for my unworthiness as a mother?
One thing I’ve learned about anxiety is it is oftentimes the result of a thought, rooted in unchecked emotion or trauma, that takes up residence in your mind. It births other little thought babies until it is on the verge of changing your viewpoint of yourself, God, and your surroundings. Oftentimes, these thoughts and the resulting change in perspective, is in direct opposition of the truth. How could I say I’m not a good mother when I have sacrificed to stay at home with my 3 year old? A 3 year old who, by the age of 2, already knew and recognized all of the letters in the alphabet because I taught them to him. In fact, I have already begun to teach him the sounds of each letter.
It is preposterous to think that my daughter’s death was due to some deficiency in my mothering ability but the new pregnancy brought me back to those questions.
Revisiting the medical side of what happened was no better. I would be returning to the hospital where a specialist tried to pressure me into an abortion. And I would have to see a doctor in that same field of medicine in order to perform my cervical cerclage to prevent another preterm baby. This time was different. All the things I had been through including being falsely accused of abusing my son after a spontaneous fracture as well as the loss of my daughter actually prepared me. I had been equipped with the mental tools I needed and those events reminded me of who I am.
When you’re up against the threat of a repeated failure
1. Remind yourself of the truth
“This new baby will live and not die
“I am a good mother because…”
2. Equip yourself with Truth from scripture in order to refute the lies:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 NKJV
3. Pray, pray and pray some more
I who dwell in the secret place of the Most High therefore I abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I say of the Lord , “You are my refuge and my fortress; my God, in You I will trust.” Surely You shall deliver me from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. You shall cover me with Your feathers, and under Your wings I shall take refuge; Your truth shall be my shield and buckler. I shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand; but it shall not come near me. Psalms 91:1-7 NKJV
4. Reclaim your voice
Oftentimes we credit Satan for all that he has stolen from us. But what about that which we freely give by not praying, by not adjusting, by thinking the wrong things or by not taking our authority.
When I was in the abuse situation with my son, I did not exert my authority through my voice in prayer nor when it came to the people who were accusing me. When I finally stood up for myself and brought case law showing how their behavior and dealings with our case were illegal, suddenly I was getting a letter that the whole thing had been dropped.
Allow your actions and your posture to say not today Satan!
5. Remain consistent
Your prayers, authority, faith have to be consistent. What will happen is you will reach a good cruising altitude and you’ll become complacent. You won’t pray as much and you’ll begin to let little things go.
With my most recent pregancy I hit a stride in my health and mental state that really left me feeling like I had it all together. Wrong. The closer I got to my due date, the heavier the attacks became and I was left playing spiritual catch up.
I’m happy to announce the birth of my daughter, my rainbow baby at 37.4 weeks (my longest pregnancy ever).