I’ve kept my mouth shut to avoid controversy. I’ve kept with the same, incredibly small, group of friends and I’ve lived my life in a way I would consider quite safe. And what’s wrong with that, right? Keeping your circle of friends tight? Seems reasonable. Avoiding confrontation? No need to start vain arguments. And what’s wrong with safe? A perfectly respectable way to live.
But then I realized this wasn’t really true to who I am, who God created me to be. The truth is, I keep my mouth shut because the only thing people despise more than truth, is the messenger. It was easier for me to keep silent.
I’m not referring to what people label as “honesty” when it’s really a license to spout off any and everything which comes to their mind. You’re not honest, you’re mean. There’s a difference.
But I digress…
The truth is that my self-inflicted social-semi-isolation was due to the fact that I didn’t want to experience anymore friends who pretended to like me when they were simply out to hurt me.
All of these things, all of these ways I had adopted, were all cleverly crafted by me to avoid rejection.
It may not seem that significant nor blog worthy to you, at first glance.
But I now realize how much this fear had really held me back and had prevented me from doing what God called me to do. Not only had I blocked myself from building the relationships God ordained for my life and, consequently, His purposes, but I wasn’t even taking the actions necessary to move forward in that purpose. Too afraid to act and speak as God gave me instruction.
So I’ve recently (again) allowed God to search my heart for anything masquerading as piety, self-sufficiency, and decorum but in actuality was simple disobedience. I’ve given the fear of rejection over to God so as He searches the earth for someone to perform His will, I can be available to say
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. Psalms 139:23-24 NKJV