Deepening the Wound

Have you ever thought you were healed only for something to be said or done that brings an emotion, one you can’t even quite name, rushing back to you as if the levees of your feelings opened only to meet with your capacity to feel?

I have talked to God openly an honestly about my feelings concerning my experiences, particularly those related to mothering such as the false abuse allegations and the death of my child. I still loved God. I still had the desire to serve Him but I had to come face-to-face with the betrayal I felt in spite of my continued trust in Him. I found myself asking, “where were you, God” when I reflected on those times in my life.

I tell people I have healed and I believe I have; but, much like anything related to God, healing is a process and it is okay to go through that process. I no longer have feelings of where was God because He answered me and said behind, before, and within you. But the aspect of my healing that is still ongoing is the attack I felt on my identity during those moments. Am I a good mother? Is God pleased with me? Who am I, in God, in light of these occurrences. Are my efforts futile? When something happens that begs answers to these questions, hurt rises to the surface.

My mind is in constant need of renewal and my identity in constant need of affirmation through God’s Word and that is the process that relates to healing. That is the only way to free yourself of what some call “triggers”.

I am a good mother because I am following God’s instruction regarding my son. God is pleased with me because of my obedience even under pressure. It is difficult being a stay at home mom because our current society doesn’t respect it. Countless people have referred to my efforts as “sitting at home doing nothing” or have suggested that my son would be better served in the culturally accepted day care setting. It stings, but it doesn’t have to if my focus is on God and if I refrain from allowing myself to worship people’s opinion of me.

From the novel “Cutting for Stone”

…we must believe that ministering to others will heal our woundedness. And it can. But it can also deepen the wound. -Abraham Verghese 

I pour myself into mothering, attempts at being the perfect mother to further disprove those doctors. I didn’t realize that by focusing on others’ opinion of my mothering and responding by trying to be the perfect mother, I am only deepening the wound instead of allowing healing to continue to take place. I don’t need to validate myself when God has placed His stamp of approval on me.

Free yourself of people’s opinions, from your past hurts and find rest in God’s love for and opinion of you. 

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